Do I need to simply do things, and not necessarily tough things, in order to be validated?  And does cleaning the garage count?  I mean, there’s definitely a surge of satisfaction that accompanies accomplishment, but isn’t making a list and checking things off it a form of control?  Maybe, back when I was drinking, all I really needed was an organizer.

Step 1: we admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

I couldn’t finish anything because I was drunk.  However, I couldn’t start anything until I was drunk.  That left a pretty narrow window of opportunity, followed by hours of hazy anger and regret, and more alcohol until I’d convinced myself that tomorrow would be the day I’d get all my stuff done.  I’d line it all up and knock it all out, and then go celebrate over lunch and coast through the rest of the day, week, whatever.

The cycle went as follows: feel horrible, drink, procrastinate, drink, feel horrible, check something off the list, feel great, drink, procrastinate.  Just gimme a little bump, a little positive, in that endless circle of crud, and I was good to go.  All I needed is just enough rationalization to continue forward in the present manner of which my disease has become accustomed.  It wasn’t too bad, not yet, right?

It’s a wonderful high:  making meetings, showing up early, following through.  Sitting back after it’s all over and done with, and I’m free and clear, my sense of entitlement comes on strong.  I’m doing what’s basically required of me and expecting a reward.  A treat.  A little break from the day.  An escape.  An isolation; where I’ll sit and justify the hell out of everything.

Today:  Let go of the need to feel finished.

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