There’s no good way to be a watchdog against arrogance without becoming infected yourself.  It definitely takes one to know one.  And it certainly doesn’t help to think I’m helping through the unmasking of others.

Step 12: having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

It’s a strange niche to carve out: a perceived perfect vantage point on which to view and name everything, both good and bad.  It’s a throne of unexposed truth and life experience only an underachieving alcoholic could find: one bolted to the ground on the light side of the moon.  Judgement comes much easier at such a distance.

They say patience is a virtue.  I’ll take your word for it: I’ve never had any myself.  The best I could ever manage was tolerance, but it was a loud, messy kind of tolerance, and you were the one causing it.  My attitude was this:  Listen, I’m doing my best just putting up with whatever nonsense is currently ruining my day without belittling you in public for it, thank you very much.

But that’s just it:  I wasn’t putting up with it.  I wasn’t wearing a brave face.  What I was doing was calling people out for going through life with their heads up their asses, and I used the liquid I poured into myself as the great liberator.  I was free and easy and callous.  Being able to cut with surgeon-like precision often left my victims hurt and bewildered.  They knew they should be insulted, but my attacks often weren’t direct enough:  I would piss on generalities and offer up ludicrous, over-arching Modest Proposals designed to demonstrate how dumb their entire ethos  truly was.  Back to the drawing board, shit-head!  Try again!  Next!

It was preemptive isolation at its finest.  I’d lay out what I was all about before you: what was allowed and what would be chastised in an extremely smarmy and derisive manner.  Want to hang out?  It’s fine – you’re one of the good ones – one of the lucky people I’ve decided to let into my inner sanctum.  Sorry it’s such a mess.

What I’ve learned recently:  Allowances need to be made, if you want to get along in this world.

Today I know: They certainly have been made in my case.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s