happimess.

That’s the goal of this program, right, to be happy?  No offense, but I’m not on this planet to simply stay sober and be so unbelievably miserable that every person, place and thing around me becomes my enemy.  I’m pretty sure that’s not the point of the exercise.  My negative course of action, once my alcoholism has convinced myself that the sober solution is worse than the drinking problem, is to prove everyone wrong.  Look at me!  I’m constitutionally incapable; one of those special people broken beyond repair!  That’s why I hate everything and everyone, with myself at the top of my list.

I’m going to attempt a Month of Acceptance:  According to page 449 in the old text, “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today…  Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.”

I’m angry when things aren’t going my way.  I complain and berate and break and blame.  I’m doing my best to not take responsibility for myself.  The slightest rocking of the boat makes me jump up and shotgun the floor.  There – now we’re drowning.  Happy?

It’s a pattern of thinking that has become so destructive in my life that I’m thinking of destroying it.  I’m going backwards, sinking into that old, pain-filled way of thinking:  painting myself into mental corners; caging my brain like it’s a wild animal, assuming the worst and reacting accordingly: with resentment and spite and rage.  I’ve stopped believing in the miracle.  I’ve gone helpless and hopeless, which paralyzes me with fear and inaction: something else to feel sorry about.

Today:  Know that it’s progress, not perfection.  Also know that progress is impossible without action.  It’s not about forcing a rictus grin on my face all day: you can’t force happiness.  It’s about getting right-sized through a constant connection to my Higher Power and the fellowship.  It’s also about opening myself up enough to be teachable.  And mostly, it’s about not taking myself so damn seriously!