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Woke up once again solving a part of the world’s problem while half asleep. It’s a mental morning exercise I perform. I take on a topic while my thoughts are still forming and get right down to the core of the issue – what everyone else is afraid to admit. Then I work it back up into my over-arching theme that’s causing all the world’s distress.

Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

This morning’s target: Networking. Apparently this is nothing more than basic face recognition that provides a safety net for the high-salaried mentally retarded. Once a company is destroyed by bad decisions from these idiots, they simply move on to the next place en masse. They hire on their buddies as part of their secret pact, extolling their non-existent virtues and talents with promises of great things. But once again they only deliver stupid ideas and terrible performances cloaked in absolute edicts of “we know better than you lower-level humans. Dare not question me, nor my moronic muckety mucks.”

So, before my feet even hit the floor, I’ve worked myself up over a bunch of people whom squarely fall into the “accept the things I cannot change” category. Even though I know this, that doesn’t stop the internal bitching. I enjoy identifying things I cannot change but nonetheless hate. It’s another form of hopelessness; another example of how the world’s against me and I cannot win, unless I’m willing to kiss butt and sell out and pretend that what ignorant suits tell me is genius. There’s a real paradox of pain I’ve created: making a ton less money than people I’m better than in every way.

Save one: my people skills. I can get over and along for a significant amount of time, and everyone will think I’m super-awesome, but eventually I’ll say something that will let everyone know I’m talking about them when stating my beliefs. It was one of the main rationalizations I use when drinking: these f***ing d-bags weren’t worthy of me at 100%. I was still better than them at 40% – and I was able to lower myself to their level through booze and pot. For what I was getting paid, they weren’t privileged enough to receive my best. I floated into and out of companies under an arrogant haze. I was basically behaving like the very self-entitled jerk wads I raged against in my free time.

If acceptance is key, then I’m screwed. I’ll never be able to sit next to someone who is basically an illiterate pretender with a communications degree and a $250,000 salary and not wish to bury a pair of scissors deep into the side of their neck.

Thankfully, acceptance isn’t the key. Just like I’ll never accept semiautomatic guns or child molesters, I’ll never accept the undeserving rich. And, thanks to this program, I don’t have to. All I have to do is not drink over it. That’s giving the uncontrollable the power; and the last thing I want is to be blaming the glad-handers for my slide back into the deadly disease of alcoholism.

Today, I’ve got the courage to let it go, sans resentment. And for today, that’s all I need.

One thought on “paid to smile.

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