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I don’t want to drink responsibly. And I’ll never understand the point of non-alcoholic beer. I don’t miss the taste of booze any more than a cokehead misses the smell of cocaine. My Christmas wish isn’t to just have one or two and mingle with the normals. For me, there’s no such thing as a little tipsy, a little buzzed. Today, I’m thankful to know that.

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Being Jesus’ birthday and all, I spent a quiet moment on my knees this morning, praying to do the next right thing on a day that almost forces me off the rails both mentally and spiritually. There’s nowhere to go, nothing to do, and the television programming leaves much to be desired. It’s a test of patience and tolerance, all day long.

Always the enemy of unstructured time, finding ways to fill my free days can be something of a trial. Which I hate, because I’m not exactly excited to go back to work, either. In fact, I spend most of my time trying to create more and more free time, as I see that as the ultimate goal in life: to have nothing to do. No projects, no demands, no direction. So it follows that the anxiousness I create from not knowing what to do next leaves me frightened to the core. I mean, what’s the point of living if I’m dissatisfied with achieving my ultimate life goal?

Answer: Maybe my ultimate life goal is hooey. It’s the ultimate insanity: trying to achieve something that ultimately leaves me all worked up over nothing. Exactly!

Moving forward: Recognize that my alcoholism and my sobriety share one thing in common: neither will ever be over and done with, permanent and complete. There is no fail-safe, but that doesn’t mean I’m failing. That doesn’t even mean I’m normal.

It means I’m human.

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