It’s been said many, many, many times that alcoholism isn’t a drinking problem; it’s a thinking problem.  And sobriety definitely cut down on the severity of the craziness, but the craziness remains nonetheless.  I’m still capable of spiraling out of control emotionally based on wrong-headed thinking, forged from warped beliefs solidified ages ago.  I find myself clinging to the old pain, and to the old ways of dealing with the old pain, even before alcohol.

Step 2: came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

My go-to fall-back is isolation.  Stew in the “me” juices for a while.  Create wild scenarios in which I always end up enraged and defensive.  Next, imagine counterattacks to the make-believe slights.  Finally, adopt a hopeless, angry outlook on life, and radiate that attitude throughout the day.  When asked what’s wrong, I’m always hard-pressed for an answer because I genuinely don’t know.  So I settle on everything.

What I’m coming to understand regarding Step Two is the importance of preemptively Letting Go.  That’s not just morning readings and a 10-minute meditation.  It’s also exercise: getting my heart racing and burn out some of the energy that I used to spend twisting reality.  It’s also coffee, and switching to decaf:  the last thing a mind like mine needs is stimulation that promotes ferret-like thinking.  It’s also cigarettes, and nicotine: another stimulant plus, yuck.  And sugar:  it’s been long enough now that my cravings no longer require nightly supplemental bowls of ice cream.

They all serve the same purpose, to varying degrees: they alter my state of being.  And as long as I am over-using these things to keep me from being me, there’s still much to let go of, because I’m still looking for alternatives to spending time with myself.

Today:  Cunning, baffling, powerful – a disease that will seek out substitutes until a time when it can attempt a coup d’etat… that’s craziness.  Which reminds me… time’s also up on the “hey, I don’t drink anymore” excuse for my poor behavior.  There’s much growing to do.  It’s not just about not doing something.  It’s also about getting ahead of the self-made disasters.  Drop the matches before you’re putting out fires.  Turn it over, and let it go.

3 thoughts on “God must have tons of balloons.

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