Empirically, I realize that I’m not the center of the universe.  Everything does not revolve around me.  That’s a fact.  That’s science.

But through the miracle of alcoholism and isolation, I was able to flip that theory on its head.  By crushing my brain down to minimal functionality, and following that up with a heavy dose of voluntary solitary confinement, I became the omnipresent ruler of my own little galaxy.

Step Two: came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

With myself in charge and no one to question my decisions, I went weeks at a time without doing anything wrong.  Of course I was miserable.

See, I have this massive code of conduct book that I’ve written, containing all the rules and regulations of the world as I saw it.  In my basement, it made perfect sense.  Applying it to random strangers in line at a convenience store, not so much.  My justification?  Some people just aren’t ready for the truth.

Including myself.  So, I’m the world’s policeman now?  Do I believe I’m doing a public service, pointing out everyone’s infractions to the social contract?  Or could it be that I’m an alcoholic egomaniac, and you just happen to be in my way?

And let’s not forget my delivery system when it comes to handing out infractions: loud, profanity-laden, and mean.  Not the greatest environment to learn in, but these people were lost causes to me; dead souls that occasionally stumbled across my line of vision.  I deemed that as fair treatment, as it was only a fraction of what I was handing out to myself.

It’s taken me a long time to realize I don’t need to keep an eye on everyone.  That’s why it’s progress and not perfection:  I’m learning to become part of the world, instead of constantly trying to climb on top of it.

Today: rip up the tickets.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s