I find myself sitting in it again; that feeling of unfinished, unfocused and aimless time. My alcoholic desperation sets in quickly, unnoticed. What’s there to get excited about anymore? Life was boring and stupid in my drinking days, and that was a life that was supposed to be a never-ending party. So now that everything’s in constant clarity from morning to morning, what chance is there for fun?
Step 2: came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
During the height of my drinking, I was aware of the pointlessness of my life, and the numbing of my brain made that realization palpable. Alcohol filled the time and got me through, until I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Nowadays, so much of what I’m doing seems to have no grand scheme, no goal, no plan, no end result. Same as before, only now I can’t escape it. Just endless mediocrity, which I try to convince myself is, once again, palpable.
Understand that this is all just a giant construct that I’ve erected in defiance of normal, everyday, right-sized living.
The power that’s been failing me for years, and the one I’ve yet to learn not to rely on, is mine. Whenever I can’t quite figure out what’s going on in my head and heart, I find myself reverting to my old ways of thinking; blaming and shaming myself for not being able to buck up and get in a good mood. Once again, everyone’s left waiting on me to grow up and participate in the world without all the drama.
What I’m trying to learn: Boredom does not equal failure in the program. That’s just alcoholic thinking at its finest. Whenever I go looking for things to bring me down, I have no trouble finding them. And it doesn’t need to be concrete – there doesn’t need to be something specific for me to point at. All that needs to happen is for me to feel adrift, if even for a second, and I judge that moment as testament to my lack of serenity.
Today: Remember that things may have been exciting in the past, but how often was it a good type of exciting, one that remained positive and giving, beginning to end? Yeah, exactly.