I sometimes believe that needing to center myself each morning is a sign of failure. Didn’t I just let everything go yesterday? Now it’s morning again and again I’m agitated and down on myself and full of self-pity because apparently last night’s meeting didn’t take. How can I possibly be wrong-sized already? I just woke up. I wake up broken now? So this is to be my new normal, waking up afraid and ashamed and lonely, having begun internalizing these painful emotions before I ever open my eyes, giving them weight, giving them credence? I can’t handle a lifetime of this.
Step Four: made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
What about “A Day at a Time” don’t I get? I have a book entitled “Twenty-Four Hours a Day” that I read from, you guessed it, daily. The bookmark stuck in that book is a laminated “Just for Today” card. And yet, many mornings, my mind’s off running down the road of “shoulds” and “oughtas” before my feet hit the floor, regretting the past and freaking out about the future.
Why can’t I treat each morning’s centering like a kid at Christmas?
False Belief: the program’s not working, because I’m not running to my quiet space each day to thank my Higher Power and to do some readings, some meditating, some prayers. I still want to put it off until there’s at least a fair amount of pain, both inward and outward. I tend to wait to get right-sized until others are being offended by my wrong-sized behavior.
New Belief: Understand that my brain’s going to wake up full of whatever – and many mornings it’s going to want to fight. There needn’t be judgment surrounding the state of my thoughts. Good or bad or indifferent, the morning recalibration must occur first thing, if I’m to have any chance at serenity today. And today only.