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I sometimes believe that needing to center myself each morning is a sign of failure.  Didn’t I just let everything go yesterday?  Now it’s morning again and again I’m agitated and down on myself and full of self-pity because apparently last night’s meeting didn’t take.  How can I possibly be wrong-sized already?  I just woke up.  I wake up broken now?  So this is to be my new normal, waking up afraid and ashamed and lonely, having begun internalizing these painful emotions before I ever open my eyes, giving them weight, giving them credence?  I can’t handle a lifetime of this.

Step Four: made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

What about “A Day at a Time” don’t I get?  I have a book entitled “Twenty-Four Hours a Day” that I read from, you guessed it, daily.  The bookmark stuck in that book is a laminated “Just for Today” card.  And yet, many mornings, my mind’s off running down the road of “shoulds” and “oughtas” before my feet hit the floor, regretting the past and freaking out about the future.

Why can’t I treat each morning’s centering like a kid at Christmas?
False Belief:  the program’s not working, because I’m not running to my quiet space each day to thank my Higher Power and to do some readings, some meditating, some prayers.  I still want to put it off until there’s at least a fair amount of pain, both inward and outward.  I tend to wait to get right-sized until others are being offended by my wrong-sized behavior.

New Belief:  Understand that my brain’s going to wake up full of whatever – and many mornings it’s going to want to fight.  There needn’t be judgment surrounding the state of my thoughts.  Good or bad or indifferent, the morning recalibration must occur first thing, if I’m to have any chance at serenity today.  And today only.

2 thoughts on “absolute willingness.

  1. “While I am proud of what I’ve accomplished and pleased with the direction certain parts of my life are heading, I am wrestling with who I am. I am caught between who I expect I should be and who I think I am. I know much of it has to do with self criticism and judgment and I really am trying. I want to be more accepting of myself. I want to be comfortable with improving little by little or even just staying in one place for a little while. But I’m not. I know it is important to be patient and to understand that progress is a process, but honestly, sometimes I’m so tired of it all. I’m tired of thinking that I should be more.”

    I understand what you are going through. I still beat myself up about not improving “fast enough”. The way I look at it though, is that I’ve had decades of negative reinforcement so it kind of makes sense that rewiring all those negative thinking patterns will take some time and effort. It won’t happen overnight. The wait can be frustrating but trust that you are improving. You’re clearing away what needs to be expelled, making way for all the good stuff.

    The above was an excerpt from my post about accepting yourself and where you are in your journey.
    https://shadowashspiritflame.wordpress.com/2015/05/19/zen-self-acceptance/
    Hope it helps.
    Phoenix

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