Second question for the new year. I’ll be exploring some of the taken-for-granted truths that I’ve be telling myself since before the bottle. For reference’s sake, I’m filing these under Step Four.
Step Four: made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Question Two: What am I clinging to?
When I blast deep down, past all the substrates, my default bedrock seems to be one of depressed resignation. Everything’s already ruined, broken, toxic, shameful, unclean. Luckily, I’m the only one who knows the “true” truth: that I’m a broken person beyond repair. And it can take a fair amount of work, pretending that I’m not a walking/talking bag of lies. Most days I’m barely passing by, hoping that the exclamation points at the end of my emails convey the appropriate amount of enthusiastic gaiety that the rest of the world seems to so casually toss around.
False belief: There’s no point.
It’s my can’t-do attitude. It’s quick and it’s brutal and it feels true because it truly hurts. And for as long as I do nothing, the more credence I give it. It soaks in all the pains and fears of the past and oozes them out all over my present, ensuring I spend my future apologizing and wiping up the messes.
New belief: This over-inflated belief only gets popped through Action. Jumping jacks. Endorphin flush. My “morning brain” requires immediate recalibration, and the longer I try to get by and ignore the static thinking, the longer I’ll resent the poor reception I’m giving and receiving.