What chance is there for a happy day when I wake up to the fact that I’m not happy?  My singular feeling is a resentment-filled “I don’t want any of this.”  And it’s not some cartoonish “I don’t do Mondays”, “Wait until I’ve had my coffee”, “I’m a monster in the morning” bullshit.  This is blind anger stumbling through the woods, cut and bleeding.  The only mystery remaining is whose glass patio door is it going to crash through?

Step Twelve:  having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

My alcoholism needs to be fought in the moment, because it happens in the moment.  My craziness happens now, and I’ve always had an aversion to now.  Procrastination is all well and human as far as it goes, but when I choose to blow off my morning right-sizing in favor of running mental loops, that’s not procrastination, that’s self-sabotage.  I’m choosing to sit on a powder keg of wrong emotions and beliefs, waiting for someone to come along and trigger it.  Kaboom.

Why?  Because the release of righteous blame is so much sweeter than quiet reflection.  Because I equate quiet reflection with internal blame.  Because if my crappy feelings, beliefs and attitudes aren’t your fault, they must be mine.  As if those are the only choices I’ve got.

Truth be told, when it comes to my alcoholism, those two choices are pretty much it:  inward or outward anger, based on inward or outward fear.  It’s like holding a gun that’s impossible to drop and for some reason must be fired.

Okay, fine.  Shoot it.  Just don’t aim it at yourself or others.  Exercise.  Run.  Read.  Meditate.  Pray.  Talk.  Share.  Participate.  Empathize.  Contribute.  Help.  Love.

Above all, work on being Grateful for today while it’s happening.

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