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Here’s irony in its purest form:  believing I’m not worthy of “me time”.  My life’s been nothing but “me time”.  I just used my time and efforts poorly.

It was a miserable, lonely time, pulsating with self-hate, but it was “me time” all the same.  I’d dwell on what others had and what I didn’t, both materially and spiritually.  Then I’d justify how it didn’t fit into my life’s overall belief system.  Slow head shake, quiet exit stage left.  Everyone’s changing but me.

My definition of “me time”:  20 minutes (at the most) first thing in the morning in which to reflect, pray, meditate, and get myself right-sized.  It’s mandatory to my program.  So believing I’m not worthy of is so self-indulgent; so self-pitying and lazy.  It’s me looking for a softer, easier way.  Let’s get all wound up and tear off down the road, any road.

Without a foundation of peace and serenity, I’d fixate on the people around me that seemed to be constantly letting me down, either through honest error or on evil purpose, until the reason not longer mattered.  Depressed and angry, I’d continue on with my day, blaming others and myself for whatever.  Further isolation, drowning time.

Back then and to this day, those “me times” are more commonly known as:  morning commute, lunch, evening commute, going out alone, staying in alone, etc., and lasts as long as I don’t do anything about them.  When I’m really and truly all up in myself, I’m the prototypical “loner in the crowd”.  It’s my daily ennui (the perfect word for how I feel when I do nothing but sit in it) that I need to quit clinging to – I don’t need to wake up sad every day.  I don’t need to drive to work feeling already behind.  I don’t need to go to lunch with a head full of stinking thinking.  I don’t need to head home with misplaced anger.  I don’t need to live in a round robin of flagellation.

These are choices that I make or don’t make, everyday.
Scratch that:  These are opportunities that I choose to take or not take, instead letting time pass until it’s too late and I’m up against it, running and unsettled.

Look, my alcoholism is pacing back and forth in my head long before I awake.  It’s also sitting on my front steps before I get home.

There’s something to be said for working smarter, not harder, regarding this program.  Too much of any one way gets stagnant quick.  I need to keep attacking my alcoholism with new and interesting tactics, such as gratitude and forgiveness.

First, I need to admit that I’m powerless over my thoughts, that my feelings have become unmanageable.

Middle, time needs to taken daily to check in with myself , my Higher Power, and a member of the program.  As many times as needed.

Last, know that this life can be an absolute bitch.  Working with those who share my specific brand of crazy is my salvation.

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