My biggest fear? That everything will go the way I want, that I’ll get everything I desire, that I’ll be happy, joyous and free, and that it still won’t be enough. Outside forces will ruin everything. People will constantly conspire against me, or continual random acts of bullshit will slowly unspool me.
Step 12: having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I’m preemptively destroying the end result, long before the race begins. That way, there’s no point in running. I can stay on the couch and mope, confident in the knowledge that any effort made on my part is already doomed. It’s out of my control; the sadness preordained. I may as well move into my one-room basement apartment now, the television on cinder blocks, and bemoan my existence until it ceases.
These thoughts are the most dangerous because they undermine my willingness to work the program. Giving up before the beginning has always been a safe play for me. For years, it saved me from awkwardness, shame and embarrassment. Better to dismiss and regret than to accept and jump into the unknown.
Which is the opposite of how a life is supposed to be lived. I’m learning that now. As for doing it, well, it can be hit-or-miss, depending on how willing I am to stop clinging and accept that most things are either out of my control or none of my business.
Thanks to the fellowship in this program, I’m beginning to understand that letting go doesn’t mean I’ll necessarily fall.