Things can be as big or as small as I choose to make them. Lately, I’ve been choosing to go with big, large, huge, giant. Even the most innocuous things I’m turning into exploding molehills. Getting caught up in my own thoughts is a sure-fire recipe for, if not disaster, then at least a day of wrong-headed responses. Everything becomes more than it needs to be when I’m unsettled in the moment; when I’m looking forwards or backwards and ignoring the now.
Step 11: sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
It’s my alcoholism, front and center. It was always more, more, more back then, and without the booze it’s still more, more, more. And yet I still somehow manage to be surprised, angry and defensive when it’s brought to my attention. Which of those reactions is going to bring me back down to reality? Correct – none of them.
I’m substituting oblivion with overreaction. Instead of mindlessly going through the motions like I did in the past, today I’m obsessing on the bad feelings I’d spent years drowning. It’s a pretty crappy swap: nothing for depression.
But that was the deal, correct? I knew going into the program that I’d be getting back my emotions. I just didn’t think they’d be that strong, or that painful, or that real. What’s a sober boy to do?
Well, for starters, I need to get out of my head. The same drill as before, only this time without the aid of alcohol. This time, I’ve got to rely on something other than myself, something bigger, something I can’t pull off a shelf.
I need to deflate the hot-air balloon that’s tethered to my shoulders before I’m off in the clouds. This needs to be a daily event, first thing in the morning and throughout the day, dousing the fire before the desire to go flying arises. Because once I’m up in the air, I often find it too scary to jump, and I sail miserably off into the horizon, helpless and hopeless.
Understand that each day and as often as needed, I can always turn to my Higher Power to keep my grounded.