blowing out the engine.

I’m not going anywhere or doing anything, but that doesn’t stop me from revving myself up like a kid in a muscle car at a red light.  I don’t even need to have someone alongside me to race; I just want to feel the rush of the vroom-vroom.  I’m a self-starter in the most negative sense of the word.

Step Two:  came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

My diseased mind goes looking for anything that it can retaliate against.  And since most of the time there truly isn’t anything happening, I make stuff up.  I’ll imagine a scenario in which I’m slighted or questioned then, out loud, I’ll defend myself to no one, save the cat.  These raging monologues can roll on for hours.  I’m essentially attacking myself and defending myself at the same time.  Righteous anger flows, and I’m always justified because I’m the one that presented the unfounded accusation in the first place.  All of a sudden, from my quiet kitchen comes a, “hey, if you think I’m gonna…” or “that’s because you’re not…” or “I don’t care what…” and so on and so forth, until the diatribe is over and I’m victorious, or at least vindicated.

Not that anyone’s judging; I’m all alone and these scenarios never, and I mean never, come up.  I’m creating drama for no other reason than I’m bored and insecure and fearful.  I’m righting wrongs of my own creation, to the betterment of no one.

When I haven’t worked my program for the day, the ball just keeps gathering momentum until it hits someone.  On days when I’ve done at least the bare minimum (prayer, readings), I’m able to literally shush myself before the first sentence is out of my mouth.  “Shh… shh… quiet now, holy shit, what was that?” is what I tell myself with a slow head shake.  It can be both scary and funny, stopping my mind before it jumps the fence and runs away.

What I need to remember is that catching myself is a miracle of the program.  In the past, these thoughts and outbursts just happened, and often when I wasn’t alone.  In the past, these thoughts were always real, simply because I was having them.

Today, I know it’s faulty wiring.  And most days I’m able to turn off the power before attempting to fix it.  And for that, I’m grateful.