You bet I’ll turn over all matters concerning alcohol to a Higher Power, no problem.  I’m an alcoholic after all, so that makes sense.  But as far as everything else is concerned, i.e., all other aspects of my life, I’ll be managing those by myself, thanks.  I’ll be able to straighten up and fly right once the obsession with drink is removed.

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

That was all bullshit, of course; a case of still-too-early-in-the-program delusion.  The truth was I drank because I didn’t like myself.  I drank because I didn’t fit in.  I drank because I found it virtually impossible to do what everyone around me did, seemingly without trying:  live a life.  Removing the booze left me with me.  My worst fear.

Which, again, is what I thought I wanted.  There was no way I’d be letting go of pains and shames and angers and resentments that stretched back as far as early childhood and ran right up to this morning.  It was those horrible feelings which defined me, and made me who I am today.  I believed I needed that crap to remain in my head as a foundation for all future thoughts.  I believed that foundation was crucial in keeping the essence of me alive:  that’s where my personality lived, those were my lessons learned, my prejudices and my defenses.  Who cares if they were outdated, oversized, and in most cases straight-up wrong?  That’s what made me unique, different, special.  To turn all that over was akin to a lobotomy.

What a useless worry!  Like I’d be able to turn over everything anyway.  At best, I was able to let go of some things while still clinging to others.  And who I was didn’t change much: the essence of me remained, it was just becoming less jaded, more open, more forgiving, and most importantly, more hesitant.  I learned that I could turn my will over in two seconds when it came to very specific things.  Attacks that once triggered defensive reactions could be, within the space of an inhalation and exhalation, transformed into what they really were: simple questions being asked without hidden agendas or judgments.

When I turn things over, I see things as they really are:  much less threatening than I had led myself to believe.

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