Today I’ll be breaking from my regularly scheduled metaphors and allegories to get down to what’s a lot less fluffy to write about, but true nonetheless:  life’s become extremely difficult, unruly, unmanageable, and hopeless.  Again.

Rumination:  Is not the miracle of sobriety enough?

I’ve been slowly (and not-so-slowly) taking back control.  That’s it in a nutshell.  I want to be calling the shots again, even though it’s my own temple I’ve got the gun up against.

It’s as if becoming more miserable, depressed and despondent will get others to bend to my will, my wants, my demands.  Not that I’ve worked out any demands; having tangible, defensible stances for my anger isn’t even the point.  Odds are pretty good I made it all up in the first place.  Upset that things are difficult, and angry with myself for not working nearly hard enough to achieve anything better, life becomes drudgery.

This insanity predates my alcoholism.  This is playground stuff.  It’s primal fears and ancient jealousies that keep me comparing and judging, listing and categorizing.  There’s a strong push to go it alone again, to hike off into the deep, dark forest of isolation and maybe this time stay there.  I’m convincing myself that people aren’t the answer.  I believe I don’t fit in anymore (if I ever did), and never will again.  And, thanks to years of high-and-mighty finger-pointing and self-exclusion, I no longer want to.  To attempt to rejoin society now would only come off as phony and hollow and untrue to the real me.  The one filled with resentments.  The one containing 90% spite.

Getting into the program isn’t enough.  Not drinking isn’t enough.  This isn’t a deal where I sign up for a tri-weekly class that teaches me how to organize my closets and four weeks in I’m like, “yeah, folding and stacking things neatly creates more space.  No shit.  I can take it from here, thanks.”

I so wanted the not drinking to fix all the stuff that the drinking couldn’t.

But the miracle isn’t sobriety.  The miracle is this Program, taken in its entirety, worked in its entirety.  Not drinking just allows me to do the work necessary to rejoin the world and enjoy that which is given to me.

One thought on “it’s hard to watch PBS when you get HBO.

  1. Where you are sounds horrible and wonderful and full of treacherous pitfalls. Remember your own words – ‘Not drinking just allows me to do the work necessary to rejoin the world and enjoy that which is given to me.’

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