Here’s some cunning, baffling and powerful craziness to hang out on the line and let dry: I sometimes secretly find myself clinging to the hole in the doughnut theory, the thought being that if I turn myself completely over, what will be left of me?
Step 3: made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.
There are times where I find myself beating back the old me: biting my tongue, deleting an email while it’s still in draft form, walking away… essentially leaving my two cents out. Most days, I’m lucky enough to recognize these inappropriate behavior shut-downs as blessings of the program, the result of step work, meetings, readings and fellowship.
Other days, I just want to be right. Well, not even right, exactly. More like understood. It just so happens that I’m also right. It’s usually ticky-tack stuff to be sure, but it’s the insignificant stuff that lets me blow up and vent my irrational thoughts, misplaced feelings and wrong-held beliefs, all under the umbrella of justified anger.
All you know is all you know, even if all you know is crazy. And it can be difficult to remember that in the heat of the moment, my first thought is rarely correct. Or helpful. Or selfless. It’s uncharted territory, and it’s scary – what’s happening to that self-hating jerk I’d worked so hard to become through years of tried-and-true wrong-sized repetition?
Well, hopefully, I’m becoming less hateful and less jerky, maybe even loving and friendly. The person I’ve known and developed into, insane and devastating and depressive, in slowly going away. What makes this disease so insane is how hard I sometimes fight the dying of that light.
Today, I’m learning: it’s okay to blow out the candle. Otherwise, it’s back to the slow burn.