Gotta remember that everything in this program is elastic, especially time.  I used to think faking it until I made it was impossible, since the program was never-ending.  Was I to forever be a faker?  Was I now supposed to take on a new set of lies and false behaviors in order to “fit back in”, with the hope that eventually I’d forget the truth?

Step 3: made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.

And what did I think the truth was, exactly?  Well, my truth was based on 20+ years of carefully constructed rationales and justifications and paranoias and twisted realities, all designed to keep me full of fear and anger and envy and pride and sadness, which led to isolation and insane, drunken world-building.  Now I’m to pretend none of that counts?

Well, if I want to live happy, joyous and free, then yeah.  So I let go of some of my crazy, and I get back some serenity in return.  The more I let go, the more I get back.  Where have I heard that before?

And faking it until I make it?  First off, it’s a tool and not an over-arching lifestyle.  It should be used in those situations which are new to me, or at least new to the sober me.  Turning over my will and my life makes it easier to lower my defenses and accept what’s next – even if I gotta fake it for a while.

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