upset about good things.

Okay, so I got a job.  This one pays much better than the one I had, and I was only out of work for two and a half months.  The company’s sound, with solid growth, and the people I’ve met are friendly and accommodating.  So why am I so angry?

Step 4: made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Because anything new gets me all wound up.  Good things, bad things, doesn’t matter:  it’s different, therefore I’m upset.  Until everything settles into some type of predictable rhythm, my mind will continue to race, continue to work through all the various scenarios and tangential offshoots that will arise as a result of the change.  I become agitated and defensive because I’m once again letting things I can’t control bother me.

So many mysteries that will all become known once I allow some time to pass.  And not a lot of time, either: a few weeks at the most.  It’s less than a month of “up in the air” time; time I’m getting paid for, by the way.  But still, the ambiguity keeps me wound tight, and most of the time I don’t even know it.  I’m keeping my head down, my mouth shut, and hopefully will be able to ride out the uncertainty without constantly blowing up.

And it’s the same people I dump all my horrible emotions on:  my family.  I can’t be defensive and churlish to my new employers:  with them it’s a full day of smiles and nods and handshakes.  So that’s eight hours of best behavior, followed by a long car ride where I second-guess everything, and load my gut with hesitations and regrets.  This I then unload on an unsuspecting wife and daughter.  Exactly how unsuspecting they are is debatable:  most times I walk through the door I shouldn’t.

What I should do is pull over a few blocks from home and get centered.  Breathe.  Meditate.  Read.  Then restart the car and finish the journey.  Hopefully, my walls have come down somewhat, and I’m no longer assuming that everyone’s assuming I’m a monster.  Realize that the only one who is doing that is me, and my alcoholism.