Okay, so let’s call this the coda to the Month of Acceptance: According to page 449 in the old text, “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today… Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.”
For this isolating, alcoholic escape artist, life’s terms were unacceptable. There was too much downtime to fill up, mentally, physically, and spiritually. This should’ve been the first hint of a problem: viewing uninteresting time as a burden.
In the past, I never knew what to do with myself. Today, I know what to do with myself, it’s just finding the willingness to do it. And, when I do make time to work the program, I can’t shortchange myself. Two minutes of deep breathing and positive self-talk is what I would rely on in my past, which worked about as well as can be expected: I calmed myself only to the point where I could handle whatever I was walking into. Sure, I remained on edge, hyper-reactive and skittish, but for the present moment I was able to swallow it all down and act normal until the next isolation.
Today, I understand why that is: because I need reassurance. I need someone to tell me that everyone gets excited and nervous about things, be they big or small. I need to be reminded that I’m not on an island, and that I don’t have to do everything alone; in fact, doing things alone is the exact opposite of what life’s about. I mean, we’re all in this together, right? So why do I so often look at assistance as a form of failure?
I get myself all worked up about what might happen and what might not happen. I obsess over getting things in order, and then question if I have them in the right order. Should there even be an order? Where does taking care of business intersect with letting go and letting God?
Well, when I truly sit back and think about it, it’s fairly easy: Run my logic past people I trust, do what I can to the best of my abilities, and then accept that it’s out of my hands. It’s the only way I currently understand how to stop clinging to my old ideas.
Understand: Nothing gets put to rest on my time. Even if I put it to bed, read it a story and rub its back, that doesn’t mean it fell asleep. It will doze off in its own way, and on its own terms. That’s life.