I’ve always struggled to accept myself. That, for the most part, explains my alcoholism. I believed I wasn’t good enough human being-wise; that I didn’t fit in, and would therefore halt or destroy all relationships from completely forming before they bit me in the ass. Preemptive to a fault, I used my wet blanket as a superhero cape.
Trying to keep everyone and everything at a nodding distance was the goal; to become a vaguely fond memory, even while I’m in the room.
I’m going to attempt a Month of Acceptance: According to page 449 in the old text, “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today… Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.”
All of this warped thinking and rationalizing was built on the premise that everyone I meet will eventually sour on me and act, will eventually be disappointed, and I’ll be just another useless person out among the millions. It’s a veneer that has soaked so totally into my skin, I no longer can tell how strong it radiates.
But that’s the old me, and the old way of thinking, correct? What was radiating back then was sweat and alcohol and fear. The difference today is that I’m still hanging on to the belief I can do everything myself, and that asking for help of any kind is a sign of weakness.
But here’s a fact that I’ve recently become aware of: people genuinely like to help each other. They don’t view everything as some pain-in-the-ass favor that had better be reciprocated immediately. Most people enjoy interacting with one another, whatever the capacity. It doesn’t need to be awkward and it doesn’t need to have a giant, unspoken agenda.
And even with that knowledge, I can’t help but think what I’m really saying is, “sorry to bother you, but I can’t seem to figure this out on my own.” There is a mini-admission of failure that bubbles up in my head.
Today, I recognize that it’s the debilitating bubble of pride, along with the fear of embarrassment, that’s filling up my mind. Today, I accept that in order to connect with the human race in a positive way, I only need to put myself out there for a second or two, i.e., humble myself, and almost always the other person pops the bubble for me.
Positive affirmation follows, i.e., relief, because we’re all in this together. Mark it down.