I’m going to attempt a Month of Acceptance: According to page 449 in the old text, “acceptance is the answer to all my problems today… Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy.”
A lot of my “everything” in the statement, “everything in my life is wrong” has to do with wanting and wanting now. My very place in society, as well as my worth as a human being can rest on the attainment of, or release from, something I’ve deemed extremely important this afternoon. Everything hangs in the balance, while my serenity slides off the scale I’m tipping.
I’ve always operated on a, “once this is settled, then I’ll be happy” level of understanding of life. I’d have a goal. It was there, off in the distance. I could point at it. It’s that landmark over there, and when it gets over here, then I’ll be all set. The idea of waiting was excruciating, as was the actual waiting. That’s because I was waiting for things to change. Things I cannot change. So I’d start walking toward my goal, and with each step yell out, “hey, are you walking towards me as well? Or are you just standing there? Have you started walking?” And I’d become angry with my goal, resentful. I’m going to have to do everything?
Well, depending on the goal, yeah. And stop asking if I’ve done enough. Am I better enough now? Let me know when I’m better enough to stop trying. Then I’ll claim my lazy victory and all will be right in my world. My world. The one without gratitude or humility.
Today: Accept that there are some things I don’t need, some things I don’t want, and some things I don’t know.