I can go to a meeting, call my sponsor, say my prayers, do my meditations, read my book and even scan the web for insight. And they all help, while I’m in the act of doing them. How long that feeling lasts after I’ve hung up the phone, said ‘Amen’, opened my eyes, closed my book or shut down the computer is the real issue.
Step 11: sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
Sometimes I’m good for the rest the day. Some days I don’t even have to bother with any of it: I just coast. Other times, it seems like I’m angry and off-kilter from the moment I’m through with the exercise; resentful that I’m not not-resentful anymore.
Ah, the Uselessness of the Program argument! What a quick way to get sideways in my thinking; to get all up in my head and tear everything back down to ground zero emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
So I didn’t drink. So I didn’t got back to zero numerically. Big deal. What’s actually the most important thing, the physical act of not drinking, is what my disease values least, out of simple self-preservation. It lifts all other adjectives above it then, using my current frame of mind, has me re-evaluate each one in this new, self-loathing light. Guess how I grade-out, and guess how I feel by the time I get to the bottom? Ready to drink, my alcoholism hopes.
Because to my alcoholism, whether it’s up, down or diagonal, as long as I’m spiraling, it’s all good.