Am I slowly picking everything back up, minus the alcohol? Have I been deliberately constricting the circle of Letting Go and Letting God to include only those things directly associated with drinking? Because putting my sobriety first doesn’t mean I get to take back everything else.
Step 3: made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.
Again and again, my crazy brain wants to compartmentalize my existence using paper boundaries, and it’s easy to let a negative belief, real or not, spill its ink over everything. This is when my disease is at its finest. Paralyzing my actions through fear. Draining away my willingness. Creating distance through self-pity.
The miracle of this program is, that’s not enough to make me drink. It is, however, enough to make me and everyone I care about miserable and frightened. Without willingness, without action, eventually my aggregate anger and resentment will explode because of something I willfully misinterpret. Whatever it takes to ride that wave of emotion, right?
Why is that? Because my disease has never been limited to the realm of booze and bars. Far from it. And it can make for very long days, walking around with that feeling of hollow, useless, lazy fear. As a depressive who doesn’t think he’s special in any way whatsoever, why am I so determined to prove that my alcoholism is unique? There’s nothing unique about having an addiction. In fact, that’s the point of the fellowship.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. I’m either spiraling or centering. It’s important to know which one.