Still suffering from the phantom job effect.  Checking an email account on my phone that no longer exists; catching myself thinking about what I should wear tomorrow.  The kitchen clock tells me that if I was employed right now, I’d be at lunch. I imagine it’s fairly common for a person recently unemployed to cling to the old familiars.

Rumination:  Finding the courage to change something I can isn’t the same as taking back control.

And letting go and letting God doesn’t mean sitting on the couch, either.  Unemployment is difficult in this respect: it’s half of this isolating alcoholic’s dream come true: so much unstructured free time, so little human interaction!  What to do and where to start?  It’s a rush that is both spellbinding and terrifying, and often leads to paralysis.  But things must be done and not doing them causes depression and self-loathing.  It’s my disease, backing myself into a mental corner.

Organizing all this new free time is crucial.  Creating priorities and check boxes and bulleted items not only helps keep me on task, but also provides a sense of purpose and direction. And to keep myself sober, the first thing that needs to be checked is my head.  After which it’s pull tight and push hard, and when a task is scratched from the list there will come a feeling of satisfaction, of accomplishment.  That’s fine, as long as filling out a form doesn’t cause me to sit back on my newly found laurels.

Today:  Keep gratitude in my heart.  Keep right-sized action in front of me.

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