It’s been this way as long as I can remember:  I can’t start living until something happens.  Start what? My life.  What needs to happen?  Everything and nothing.  I can’t pinpoint any one specific thing, yet it’s all-encompassing.

Step 12: having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Believing that everything needs to be just so in order for me to give a shit seems like a pretty crappy approach to
the everyday world.  On top of that, I’m bad at compartmentalizing: my moods always oozes over one another, like a poorly packed sack lunch.  I’m soggy and disappointed, but what did I expect? It’s what I deserve, right?  Peanut butter and jelly on wet bread.  Guess I’ll go hungry.  What a martyr.

Step Twelve lets me know that it’s alright to move forward, even if I don’t have all the information.  Nobody has all the information, and that doesn’t seem to be stopping them.  So quit handicapping myself.  Understand that if I let go with the understanding that I don’t understand God’s understanding, but still trust in whatever the outcome, I’m getting that much closer to serenity.

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