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When the number of my disappointments greatly outweighs the number my number of pleasant surprises, I need to re-callibrate my brain.

Humility Entry:
Humility simply requires a man to think of his abilities and his actions as no greater, and no lesser, than they really are. Real humility then mandates that a man knows and is completely honest with himself.

When everything seems to be going wrong, it’s usually because I’ve turned some of my wishes into expectations.  The upshot is, constantly watching them dashed against the rocks of reality only serves to reinforce my over arching and unhealthy belief that everything’s unfair.  And since the feeling of pain and sadness is real enough, so too must be its cause: my unrealistic expectations.

See the little mental loop of madness I create there?  I set my want up for failure in order to justify the wanting itself.  And the wants are less tangible now, less concrete.  Now it’s all about me getting my way.  Sober, it’s much easier to spot other people’s shortcomings, especially when it pertains to me achieving happiness.  It’s simple, really: I assume I deserve something, which could be anything, and when others don’t play along, it’s their fault I’m angry, miserable, hurt, withdrawn, whatever.  Now I’ve got a valid excuse: it’s everyone else ruining my day.

Depression follows.  The next stop on the round trip.  I’ve once again swapped out reality with MYReality, and MYReality is all twisted in on itself.  The more I pull, the tighter the knot.  MYReality is a world filled with no-win situations; if-then scenarios that always end badly.  This is how I saw every choice in my life:  In order to do this, I needed to destroy that.

What it’s like now:  It’s a paradox box I rarely find myself in these days.  The self-judgements that accompanied my every decision simply aren’t there anymore; and if they are, they’re not on fire, screaming.  The key is for me to stay in this reality, this world, this present.  That’s what this program does for me:  offers workable solutions to keep me out of MYReality.  It’s the wisdom to know the difference.

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