Today’s Prayer of the Day:  I pray that I may understand my real wants and needs. I pray that my understanding of those needs and wants may help to bring the answer to them.

I was going to simply copy and paste the entire Twenty Four Hours a Day passage for January 19.  What a way to start the week!  Exactly what I need to focus on:  my focus.

Rumination: Time to start pushing beyond the nebulous goal of remaining dry.

Being untied from the drunk tree at the top of the hill isn’t enough anymore.  I still need to walk back into town.  I still need to learn a new way of living.  For years my way of living was all about get by, getting through, getting over.  There was always a quiet inner rush to move along to the next thing, never allowing what was currently going on in the moment to gain any traction.  Good or bad, I couldn’t tell the difference anymore.  I just wanted out, away, alone.  Running didn’t solve any of my so-called problems, but to my alcoholic way of thinking, at least I wasn’t making it any worse.  Things were always so much better for all concerned if I simply wasn’t there.

Which is self-pitying, pride-induced bullshit.  Nobody is casting me out.  I’m the one constantly calling phantom fouls on myself; twisting simple interactions into awkward, tension-filled taffy pulls filled with self-imposed “I’m sorries”.  What better unpleasant situations to excuse myself from than those of my own creation?  I’m a monster, and I’m doing you a favor by leaving.  Time to isolate and hate.

So, is that what I really want and need?  Or is this my disease keeping my understanding of what I really need and want at arm’s length?

Today: Understand that my wants and needs aren’t goals.  They’re by-products of my doing the next right thing, letting go and letting God, working the program, and talking with fellow alcoholics.

4 thoughts on “zoom in.

  1. Good one. Probably tough for everyone to know a want vs. a need but it is even harder for alcoholics who want everything, all the time, right now. As sober time goes on, I find it easier to know what I need and more difficult to decide what I want. Cannot call that a problem though, it is often a blessing, but still working on it.

  2. Good stuff, old friend. I have to admit that coming up on five years of clean and sober, I find the whole thing just a little boring. There must be more to sobriety than simply not drinking… and I know there is, I’m just weary of it all. Love your context today and Tom’s take on things, as well.

    I’ve watched “The Anonymous People” several times and I think I’m getting tired of considering myself an alcoholic. I don’t like the idea of finding my primary identity in my brokenness. We’re certainly meant for more than this. Maybe I just need to blog this out of my system. Thanks for helping me scratch the itch.

    Film at eleven.

  3. Pingback: repost: zoom in | club east: indianapolis

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