Today’s Prayer of the Day: I pray that I may understand my real wants and needs. I pray that my understanding of those needs and wants may help to bring the answer to them.
I was going to simply copy and paste the entire Twenty Four Hours a Day passage for January 19. What a way to start the week! Exactly what I need to focus on: my focus.
Rumination: Time to start pushing beyond the nebulous goal of remaining dry.
Being untied from the drunk tree at the top of the hill isn’t enough anymore. I still need to walk back into town. I still need to learn a new way of living. For years my way of living was all about get by, getting through, getting over. There was always a quiet inner rush to move along to the next thing, never allowing what was currently going on in the moment to gain any traction. Good or bad, I couldn’t tell the difference anymore. I just wanted out, away, alone. Running didn’t solve any of my so-called problems, but to my alcoholic way of thinking, at least I wasn’t making it any worse. Things were always so much better for all concerned if I simply wasn’t there.
Which is self-pitying, pride-induced bullshit. Nobody is casting me out. I’m the one constantly calling phantom fouls on myself; twisting simple interactions into awkward, tension-filled taffy pulls filled with self-imposed “I’m sorries”. What better unpleasant situations to excuse myself from than those of my own creation? I’m a monster, and I’m doing you a favor by leaving. Time to isolate and hate.
So, is that what I really want and need? Or is this my disease keeping my understanding of what I really need and want at arm’s length?
Today: Understand that my wants and needs aren’t goals. They’re by-products of my doing the next right thing, letting go and letting God, working the program, and talking with fellow alcoholics.