Today’s Prayer of the Day: I pray that I may understand my real wants and needs. I pray that my understanding of those needs and wants may help to bring the answer to them.
I was going to simply copy and paste the entire Twenty Four Hours a Day passage for January 19. What a way to start the week! Exactly what I need to focus on: my focus.
Rumination: Time to start pushing beyond the nebulous goal of remaining dry.
Being untied from the drunk tree at the top of the hill isn’t enough anymore. I still need to walk back into town. I still need to learn a new way of living. For years my way of living was all about get by, getting through, getting over. There was always a quiet inner rush to move along to the next thing, never allowing what was currently going on in the moment to gain any traction. Good or bad, I couldn’t tell the difference anymore. I just wanted out, away, alone. Running didn’t solve any of my so-called problems, but to my alcoholic way of thinking, at least I wasn’t making it any worse. Things were always so much better for all concerned if I simply wasn’t there.
Which is self-pitying, pride-induced bullshit. Nobody is casting me out. I’m the one constantly calling phantom fouls on myself; twisting simple interactions into awkward, tension-filled taffy pulls filled with self-imposed “I’m sorries”. What better unpleasant situations to excuse myself from than those of my own creation? I’m a monster, and I’m doing you a favor by leaving. Time to isolate and hate.
So, is that what I really want and need? Or is this my disease keeping my understanding of what I really need and want at arm’s length?
Today: Understand that my wants and needs aren’t goals. They’re by-products of my doing the next right thing, letting go and letting God, working the program, and talking with fellow alcoholics.
12 the hard way 
Good one. Probably tough for everyone to know a want vs. a need but it is even harder for alcoholics who want everything, all the time, right now. As sober time goes on, I find it easier to know what I need and more difficult to decide what I want. Cannot call that a problem though, it is often a blessing, but still working on it.
Good stuff, old friend. I have to admit that coming up on five years of clean and sober, I find the whole thing just a little boring. There must be more to sobriety than simply not drinking… and I know there is, I’m just weary of it all. Love your context today and Tom’s take on things, as well.
I’ve watched “The Anonymous People” several times and I think I’m getting tired of considering myself an alcoholic. I don’t like the idea of finding my primary identity in my brokenness. We’re certainly meant for more than this. Maybe I just need to blog this out of my system. Thanks for helping me scratch the itch.
Film at eleven.
Reblogged this on club east: indianapolis and commented:
Healthy, challenging post from one of my consistently favorite bloggers. Short, but very thoughtful piece from Paul W at 12 the hard way. Read the whole thing, of course.
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