Lately, I’ve been trying to get at some basic truths about myself.  You know, focus in on my particular circle of insanity.

Here’s my loop, as I currently understand it: I have very little self-worth; therefore I’m always trying to make up for a lie embedded deep in my head.  I feel I must earn the right to relax.  And since I’m forever unworthy, I never sit down.  Others kick back without being worthy, leading to resentments, which is essentially a mixture of anger and jealousy and unfairness.

Step 2: came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

This goes back to one of the basic tools that I should be using daily: to look myself in the mirror, smile and remind myself that I’m a human being of worth, simply because I am.  Listen, my self-hatred goes so deep that even writing that sentence made my finger tighten. So guess how easy is it for me to go into the bathroom and actually give myself a little pep talk?  It’s always felt safer to move away quickly, head down, deriding myself for not fitting in, and deriding others for not letting me fit in.

For years, I so seldom looked myself in the face that I’d become a stranger.  And masking my shame with pride only made me a jerk.  The twisted sack of poor judgement, wrong thoughts and over-sized emotions that is my alcoholism wants it that way, wants to keep me shufflin’; head down, eyes tired, spirit broke.  That’s its whole modus operandi.  It’s a parasite at heart, preying on my biggest weaknesses and strongest fears.  It’s highly adaptable that way.

So I need to be ready.  Because there will always be a slump, a respite, a plateau, a lull, a rut, a development, a shake-up, that will scream for my momentary attention over what’s the number one thing in my life: staying sober.  That’s when my serenity serves to remind me that the screams are indeed momentary.  A valuable reminder because time, as a form of measurement, is useless to this alcoholic.  I’ve turned minutes into eternities and years into blinks of the eye.

Today: Stay in the moment as much as I can.  And when I find myself dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, know that there’s something I can do to return me to the here and now: turn it over to my Higher Power and let it go.  And if that doesn’t work, hit a meeting or call someone or both. Adapt back.

2 thoughts on “look at me now.

  1. Great post! It’s best to glance at my past rather than glare at it. Spending too much time looking towards the future overwhelms me. Staying in the here and now serves me well. There’s no way I could do that without my Higher Power.

  2. Thanks for the kind words! It’s always a balancing act for me, trying not to go too far in any one direction with a thought, belief, or feeling. Take care!

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