Lately, I’ve been trying to get at some basic truths about myself. You know, focus in on my particular circle of insanity.
Here’s my loop, as I currently understand it: I have very little self-worth; therefore I’m always trying to make up for a lie embedded deep in my head. I feel I must earn the right to relax. And since I’m forever unworthy, I never sit down. Others kick back without being worthy, leading to resentments, which is essentially a mixture of anger and jealousy and unfairness.
Step 2: came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
This goes back to one of the basic tools that I should be using daily: to look myself in the mirror, smile and remind myself that I’m a human being of worth, simply because I am. Listen, my self-hatred goes so deep that even writing that sentence made my finger tighten. So guess how easy is it for me to go into the bathroom and actually give myself a little pep talk? It’s always felt safer to move away quickly, head down, deriding myself for not fitting in, and deriding others for not letting me fit in.
For years, I so seldom looked myself in the face that I’d become a stranger. And masking my shame with pride only made me a jerk. The twisted sack of poor judgement, wrong thoughts and over-sized emotions that is my alcoholism wants it that way, wants to keep me shufflin’; head down, eyes tired, spirit broke. That’s its whole modus operandi. It’s a parasite at heart, preying on my biggest weaknesses and strongest fears. It’s highly adaptable that way.
So I need to be ready. Because there will always be a slump, a respite, a plateau, a lull, a rut, a development, a shake-up, that will scream for my momentary attention over what’s the number one thing in my life: staying sober. That’s when my serenity serves to remind me that the screams are indeed momentary. A valuable reminder because time, as a form of measurement, is useless to this alcoholic. I’ve turned minutes into eternities and years into blinks of the eye.
Today: Stay in the moment as much as I can. And when I find myself dwelling on the past or worrying about the future, know that there’s something I can do to return me to the here and now: turn it over to my Higher Power and let it go. And if that doesn’t work, hit a meeting or call someone or both. Adapt back.