That’s my alcoholic business.  When I’m working the program, there shouldn’t be excuses to drink, or reasons to slip or go back out there.   So why all the self-sabotage?

Step One: we admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

I’m not even sure what level of excuse would be enough, or what I’m consciously looking for.  Cunning, baffling, powerful.  Perhaps an accumulation would do the trick.  Is there a quantifiable benchmark where it becomes justified?  But that’s just it: when I’m following along and letting go of my will, there isn’t enough of a buildup.

So that means I need to come up with new things.  I need to make stuff up out of thin air.  Reapply some gluey glaze that keeps me stuck to my old ways of thinking.  I’ll start spending too much time reading too much into things that don’t require either.  These are the concoctions that can lead me into dark places for sure, but I’m also somewhat aware how and why they’re occurring.

What needs to happen next is that I need to turn it over. And the degree to which I can do that is the degree to which I’m working my program.  Knowing my thinking is skewed, or that my brain is flat-out lying to me, isn’t enough.  I might dismiss the original rotten thought, but all the bad feelings are still applied.  I’m still moving ahead with the bogus misery my false thoughts created, even though I know the truth.

Today: Understand that understanding isn’t enough.  It may be true that this is a thinking disease, but it’s my gut that never lies.  And my gut feels better when I hit a meeting, make a call, read something, pray, or mediate

You know, admit I’m powerless.

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