In my head. The more I want things to be a certain way, the more I wish for things to conform to my selfish ideals, the more convoluted my thoughts become, resulting in more misery for all.

Step 5:  admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Clearness of mind is virtually impossible without clearness of heart.  If I’m unsure of my intentions, or if my intentions aren’t in my best interest, there’s a conflict.  A fight ensues between what I should do and what I want to do.  I’m not talking about whether or not I pick up, I’m talking about whether or not I decide to pout over what somebody said, even though it wasn’t meant to harm me in any way.  I’m miserable, and now I’ve got a reason, no matter how lame.  That said, chip away at my serenity long enough and it’ll eventually make its way into my sobriety.

Because what I want isn’t tangible.  It’s not about big houses and prestigious cars.  It’s me wanting people to act the way I want them to.  Why can’t they just follow my mental instructions?  This is the area where I spend quite a bit of time: figuring out the lies from the truth that I tell myself.

The program is showing me that my diseased brain enjoys creating entire scenarios that never actually happened; ones I can then except as 100% truth and start judging.  And then my insanity builds out from there.  So by the time my clinging thoughts finally come out to another human being, it’s all so far down the road that what I present as something that’s pissing me off seems trivial and ridiculous, even though to me it crystallizes everything that’s wrong, if only everyone else could see.

Also, my brain tends to be at unreliable recorder, often playing things back to me with unintended inferences, backhanded compliments, and straight-out insults.  Another helpful insanity building tool:  purposeful misunderstanding.

All of these loops and layers I use to disguise my clinging.  God forbid I come clean and just say I’m afraid.

Today:  The more plugged into the program I am, the better my world reception.  Less static.  Less clinging.  More right-sized.

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