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Why does accepting bad things come easier than accepting good things?  That’s an easy answer, actually, and a bit of a tongue-twister:  Acceptance comes easy for things I’m expecting.  And since I’m always expecting the worst, guess what I’m always ready for?

Step 11:  sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

It’s this half-assed, depressed, no-way-this’ll-work acceptance that I’m often confusing with Letting Go.  Of course the work project is fucked up:  I expected it, and now I’m accepting it, and letting it go.  Of course we’re fighting again:  I expected it, and now I’m accepting it, and letting it go.  Of course everything seems to be going wrong:  I expected it, and now I’m accepting it, and letting it go.

But that’s not what’s truly happening.  I might not realize it, but I’m regularly on the prowl for those “here we go again” hopeless moments.  That’s not accepting.  That’s blaming.

That way, I can feel like I constantly have to let go of things, i.e., forgive everyone else, in order to maintain my sobriety and serenity.  The problem is, I’m the one creating everything that I need to let go of.  If I saw things in the proper light, there would be much less for me to turn over.

Because most things don’t require that much effort. Then again, most things don’t get built up to the levels of insanity that I create. And honestly, it doesn’t take that much effort to pile on the miseries.  I’m doing all the heavy lifting in my head.

Know this:  the Serenity Prayer only works when used according to the directions.

One thought on “the curse of of course.

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