This is my worst fear: that I’m slowly becoming the person I was before all of this; the one that I drank to escape from.  And without the booze, it’s kind of like being operated on without being unconscious.

Step 7: humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

My major stumbling block nowadays is the self-destructive hatred I feel when I do something that is strictly old behavior, only this time it was committed stone-cold sober.  What’’s my excuse now?

It was easy for me to sift through the wreckage of my past; I was able to do it from a safe distance.  I had a disease that allowed for detachment.  In the old days I used to sop up liquid courage, which was simply code for permission to act like an asshole.

Now when I explode, or obsess, or isolate, or create drama out of thin air because I’m bored, or more likely too lazy to work the program, the damage I do is much more painful than before, because now I’m acutely aware of it while it’s happening.  It’s horrifically recursive.

So, what needs to happen?  The next right thing.  For me, this program stopped being about not drinking a long time ago.  Now it’s about getting along with the rest of humanity, excepting myself and others, and living right-sized.  I’ve got the tools and support of the fellowship to recognize when stinking thinking starts, continues, and finally hits the shoreline.

It’s up to me to decide when to deal with it.

One thought on “regressing to the meanness.

  1. I think it is good that you are mindful and aware. The pain will lessen as more “next right things” get done. The blow ups and events will be like the residual lightening of a receding storm. A very good thought for the day, thank you.

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