Do I deserve happiness? Sounds simple enough, but it’s a question that, most days, I don’t even consider answering in the affirmative.

Step 7: humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

That’s how I handled disappointment and failure in my life: I accepted it as something I deserved.  My depression, anger, and fear?  All earned.  These feelings of self-hatred and depression were simply confirmations of my overall worthlessness.  Best to get out of the way.  Best to isolate and drink.  The world will go on without me; in fact, it prefers things that way.  And with very little encouragement, I would readily comply.

It’s a dangerous game of which came first; a sad dog chasing its tail, not really wanting to catch i.  It’s this type of mental looping that becomes almost impossible for me to think my way out of, mainly because I didn’t get here by thinking.  I got here by feeling, then applying messed-up reasonings to that feeling, then accepting my harsh judgement as fact.  Good luck shaking that off.  And when left wondering why I was in such a bad mood, I could no longer remember the fuzzy feeling that kicked everything off.  It’s my doomed, fabricated facts that I’m turning to for reassurance.

Today:  Understand that my reactions are my choice.
Keep them away from the Feelings/Thought Discombobulater.

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