Last night’s concert was great – I had a lot of fun.  Asleep at 1:00 and up at 8:00.  Even with seven hours of sleep, my entire body is trashed, my head hurts, I’m dehydrated from sweating non-stop for five hours, and my legs and joints are killing me from the constant foot-stomping.  All this without drink.  Which begs the question, why haven’t I been dead for years now?

Step 12: having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Back before there was any kind of clarity, I didn’t understand the point of doing something that was fun, unless alcohol was involved.  I also didn’t understand the point of doing something I didn’t want to do unless alcohol was involved.  So, that pretty much covered it.  And the recovery time kept expanding and extending into the next day and the one after that, until my physical being was always running at full-speed, desperately trying to catch up with enough rest, enough sleep, balance.

But where was that time going to come from?  When would it be carved out?  It could only be created through abstinence.  But every time, once I found myself able to stand and interact with the nearest convenience store cashier, up in a flash went the downtime.  I was depriving my body of everything it naturally required, and attempted to get it to run solely on grains:  wheat, rye, and barley.

The hubris of youth can be blamed for a fair amount of my bullet-proof attitude.  The rest falls on my disease.  For as long as I thought I could somewhat control my addiction, my body, mind and soul paid the price.  My head was in a constant state of white noise.

This morning:  I remembered the playlist.  That’s growth.

Today:  Never forget where I came from, and where I hope to go.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s