There’s very little choice in the matter.  If I start off the day with resentments, or the far too common whiny child voice that simply says, “I don’t want to”, I can easily start stacking up little moments of anger and discontent, until I’ve hit my tipping point.

Step One: we admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

And my tipping point has never been to run out and drink; my tipping point has been to yell and curse and upset everyone around me, then run out and drink. In order for me to do something that made me feel like a piece of crap, I needed to first hurt those I loved.

The thing about contentment and happiness is that I know with 100% certainty that this too shall pass. When something is too good to last, it goes away, and I resentfully float back down to a baseline that never seems balanced.  Even the idea of “maintaining” sounds like I’m trying to avoid crashing a plane. Hang on, dammit, hang on! Just a little farther and I can put it down in the water!  Damage control.

I need to put things in good/bad categories. If my actions were good, awesome. If they were bad, I’d start to justify. I mean, there’s always a reason behind my bad behavior, correct? That’s when I can fall for the biggest excuse of all: if everything simply conformed to my way of thinking, I wouldn’t be an alcoholic.

But it’s just that sort of thinking that’s so dangerous.  I’m assuming there’s a cure. If I work the steps to learn to love myself and let go of everything, then I’ll be able to drink to the point of getting a little buzzed without losing and hating everything, right?

Today’s lesson: what’s my end goal? And why does being miserable seem easier than being happy?

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