I’m getting better at living in the moment when things are going well. Which seems easy, should be easy, but that wasn’t the case for me. Everyone always says, let’s see how you handle things when the chips are down, or your back is up against it. But I didn’t drink because things were bad, just like I didn’t drink when things were good. I just drank. That’s why, once the obsession is removed, my attitudes and responses to my emotions haven’t changed much; only the degree to which they get blown up.
Step Three: made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.
Today it’s all about understanding that emotions come and go, and that it’s my reactions to them which will determine the day. Just because I wake up in an irritable mood for no discernible reason, that doesn’t mean I have to go looking for something to blame.
I don’t necessarily need to get in a good mood. What I need to do is quit covering up my emotions. The moment I become defensive about my feelings, I’m already off to the races. I’m questioning myself, this program, and the point of it all. Depression follows, even though nothing that I can put my finger on has happened. Just the acknowledgment that things are starting to slide off the tracks again is all it takes to upset my mental apple cart. I resent feeling resigned to my fate.
So, what to do about it? The toolbox. Break the routine. Start a routine. But most importantly, admit to the shit that’s floating through my mind this morning. Go find a quiet place to get centered and figure out what my wants and needs are today, what’s got me all bunched up, and then turn it over. The better I can define the things I’m letting go, the better chance I have of not picking them up later in the day.