Just because you’re normal doesn’t mean you’re not crazy.  So you can handle your liquor – good for you.  But you’re still an overbearing ass of a human being, complete with fears and insecurities and anger and wrong-sized beliefs that influence your overall atrocious behavior.

Step Twelve:  having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I’ve been giving people without alcoholism far too much credit lately.  For quite a while now I’ve been assuming that being able to control your drinking meant you were better than me at everything.  It’s the same mentality that’s applied to rich people:  if you make more than I do, you’re better than me, plain and simple.  Who am I to question or complain?  If I don’t like it, I can always go find a job that pays more – that’ll give me the self-esteem I’ve been missing.  And by self-esteem, I’m talking about me being better than you, but being cool about it.

But just like there’s more than one reason I’m an alcoholic, there are many outside factors that have led to others being above me in the socioeconomic status.  These are the things I get to hate in the abstract:  gated communities, fraternities and sororities, professional organizations, glad-handing, networking, and afforded privileges that are always taken for granted.

That’s a whole lot of resentments.  It seems I’m very concerned about where I fall in the overall order of things.  And if those in my current circle have moved onward and upward, good for them.  I’ll be happy for you, but there’s also a limit to the amount of ass-kissing I can do.  After several years of doing nothing but offering congratulations to my equals as they jump up to the next echelon of living, I’m tired.  There are only so many houses I can fawn over, so many three-season rooms I can marvel at, so many fully loaded SUVs I can celebrate all the features of.  Yes, I know I’m not keeping up with the next round of acquisitions.  I’ll never have the latest and greatest.  Everything I do will always be trumped by someone close to me.  So either I quit trying, or isolate, or both.  None of which is healthy, but neither is a blow-up in the middle of someone’s newly remodeled great room.

Today, I gotta quit keeping score, and focus in on my gratitude.  Everything else is poison.

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