My alcoholism didn’t come with one. There is no reason. And as long as I continue to look for one, that means I’m still holding out hope that I’ll be able to solve my little puzzle and go back to drinking.

Step One:  we admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Let’s be honest: anything I’d be using as a reason to drink over the last 20 years wouldn’t be a reason; it’d be an excuse. Anyone can see you can’t drink over the day-to-day bullshit. So I go bigger.  Zoom out.  Get some over-arching perspective on the major issues and themes of my life. Maybe there was something in my past that set everything off?

Even if I could identify whatever would qualify as a legitimate reason to be an alcoholic, then what? Do I think that being able to correctly name the root cause will grant me the ability to drink responsibly, something I’ve never, ever had?

While I’m at it, I also need to dispel the notion that alcoholism means that I’m fundamentally unhappy.  Kind of makes it difficult to want to get up in the morning, doesn’t it?  Repeat to myself:  I don’t have a choice in the matter.  I’m an alcoholic.  Now go have fun.

What I need to consistently remind myself of is that I do have a choice in how I conduct myself in the world. I can assign the terms “joy” and “happiness” to genuine feelings of joy and happiness, and truly believe that they count, even when they go away. The absence of something doesn’t mean it never was.

That pretty much applies to everything in my life.

One thought on “stop looking for a reason.

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