When things are going well, and my serenity seems to be sustaining itself for a period longer than what I’m comfortable with, I’m careful to note that this too shall end. And then I end it.
Step Six: were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
If something seems too good to be true, I make sure it is. I go searching for cracks, chinks, footholds; anything that will allow my alcoholism to force open a chasm between what’s happening and what I think is happening. Even if it requires completely made-up nonsense, I’m willing to move ahead with it, as long as it helps accomplish the goal of justifying my shitty attitude.
This entire program seems incredibly myopic at times. I find myself zeroing in on specific areas of defects and shortcomings to the point where I’m constantly being reminded of something, somewhere, I’m approaching wrong-sized. Do I even know what right-sized is? There are times where all I’m doing all day long is running around trying to put out the little brush fires of insane thoughts and emotions that seem to pop up out of nowhere. Is it possible to be too aware, too self-conscious, to the point of paralysis or hopelessness? It’s pretty easy to overwhelm myself with a deluge of unhelpful reminders.
That’s when it’s extremely important for me to reboot. It’s garbage in, garbage out, and I should know that by now; I’ve been shoveling enough of it over the years. If I’m stepping out into the world with an attitude of pointless defeatism, there’s a good chance that I’ll spend the rest of the day confirming all my sad thoughts and beliefs. And so on.
Today: Understand that almost all barriers to happiness are self-made. Just because I notice them doesn’t mean I have to build them higher. In fact, as is so often the case, the exact opposite is what’s called for.