Independence. Great for my nation, not so good for me. When I’m feeling true personal freedom, something like total independence, that means I’m taken back control. And while that’s great and manly and American, it transforms me into a suicidal Chuck Yeager. How far can I push something, just for the sake of seeing how far I can push something?
Rumination: Like everything else in this program, what I thought worked one way actually works in the exact opposite manner.
In the end, I found out how well self-reliance works for this alcoholic. I was able to convince myself that living a life based on resentments and spite was a sure-fire, straight-line to happiness.
And each time there was a disruption to that straight line, good or bad, it became the perfect excuse to drink.
And here’s the paradox that took me a long time to figure out, and the one I’ll be wrestling with for the rest of my life: true freedom comes when I let go and admit that I can’t do everything. That’s my ego, pride, stubbornness, shame, and ultimately, fear.
Today: thanks to the program and the people in it, I now have the freedom to live my one true life, and not split time between drunk me and sober me.