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Maybe it’s too early in the day today, but I’m having a difficult time coming up with something to be miserable about. It’s Monday morning, and all the same office problems that existed last week are still present. But today, there’s no mumbling and heavy keystrokes, no random obscenities or things being thrown.

In the past, I assumed my over-the-top antics of office anger were, while inappropriate, signs of how much passion I had for my job. I could be insulting, because it was all for the greater good. And for many years, I went along with that line of thinking. Until it became clear that the only time I ever really got upset about work stuff was when that stuff interfered with my other life; my secret life that had its own timetable and unbending schedule. By the end, I’m not sure which Man I hated working for more.

Step 12: having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Nothing is bothering me right at this moment, so I must be on Step 12, right? I mean, it’s pretty rare when I get the chance to actually pay attention to this step. Normally, I’m up to my eyeballs in self-analysis. Step 12 became the, “I’ll do it when I finally feel like I’ve earned it” step.

Also, “As the result of these steps” makes it sound like I ripped through the previous eleven and got each one down cold. Now that the steps are behind me, a.k.a., I’m fixed, it’s time to enlighten all those still caught in alcoholism’s gnarled grip.

Which is counter-intuitive from what I’ve had beaten into my skull repeatedly: there is no end to this program. You never graduate. Sure, you can stop coming and drop out and declare yourself cured and never drink again. And I wish I could do that as well… but that’s a whole separate resentment for another time.

So the steps are perpetual, and it’s progress not perfection, and the spiritual awakening I’ve had doesn’t mean I’ve beaten this disease.

Remember: I can always fall back asleep.

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