Maybe it’s not so much alcoholism as it is depression. Who knows anymore? This whole Day At A Time bullshit is starting to wear thin. I mean, all I have to do is let go and let God and all that other crap they spew until I feel better? Too bad it doesn’t work. It’s just a bunch of phony platitudes and witty bumper stickers that are supposed to do what? Make me not hate myself and all those around me? It leaves me staring at my pathetic self one hundred percent in the eyeballs, and I couldn’t care less who blinks. I’m tired of waiting for the promises, I’m tired of stewing in my own shit, I’m tired of falling short in every category of my life. For everything I do, there’s someone I know, or someone that somebody I know knows, that does what I do much, much, much better. Better looking, more manly, superior writer, designer, husband, father, employee. I come up short in the eyes of my family (compared to all my relatives), my friends (those still remaining), and my co-workers (until I’m fired).
This is just going to be a rant of an alcoholic who’s tired of failing. I’ll be back on the beam tomorrow, writing clever little stories of how it’s all going to work out fine in the end, but for today, I just don’t have it in me. Everything around me is crumbling, and all I’m able to do is help in the destruction.
It’s just that I don’t want to do this anymore. This in and out breathing stuff is such a hassle. This sleeping in the basement, this constant apologizing, this putting down my wife and embarrassing my daughter. This hate-filled isolation that at least avoids interaction is becoming more and more attractive the less and less I behave like a human.
For today: Get through. I’ve got another meeting tonight. Maybe this one will help.