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Why do we hurt the people we love most?  I know why I do it.  It’s because they give me the most opportunities to be forgiven.  A co-worker simply reports me to Human Resources.  A random person on the street would tell me to go spit.  There’s more leeway with those I care about.

But even those closest to me are stepping back and wondering if I’m ever going to be worth the trouble.  I know I certainly am.

Step 10: continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

It just becomes tiring, doesn’t it?  Yes, I’m better at promptly admitting when I’m wrong.  But it turns out I’m almost constantly wrong.  Which is fine, when I’m in the right-sized, humble state of mind and I don’t feel like I’m constantly failing the test of living.  My best efforts, when performed correctly, result in a non-event, best case scenario.  Because whatever level of involvement I’m bringing to something, it’s either way too much or woefully not enough.  Apologies to follow.  Resentments to follow the apologies.

But like I said a day or two ago, my run can only last a day at the most.  And even though today when swimmingly up until bedtime, when I lost all perspective and started loudly blaming everyone and everything for things not going my way.  Then I get pissed that I’ve just thrown away my “good boy points” for the day, which are so important in my fight to not lose everything.

Today:  I got nuthin’.  I didn’t drink, and 95% of the day was great.  But it’s the 5% I’ll be remembered for.  That’s how the world works, sorry to say.  Even for me.

One thought on “friday night blowout.

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