How often do I have to think about this step?  I guess as often as I harm people.  But, you know, like, really harm people.  Stuff that I need to make amends for; not the day-to-day belligerence and sour eggs I serve up as point of order.  The little nicks and cuts I toss out like yesterday’s coffee?  That’s my sweet spot, my hole in the doughnut.

Step 8: made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 

If I think it would both look and feel stupid to spend my day apologizing the moment I recognized harm was being implicated, that’s true only because of the volume.  It would come off as though I had some sort of spastic tick or something.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  Besides, isn’t this moment-to-moment stuff reserved for step ten?

Well, yes and no.  Throughout my time interacting with the world and the people around me, one thing is clear: we hurt each other, usually with me going first.  And it’s the little build-ups, the slow-but-steady annoyances, that eventually will transport me to the Land of Far Beyond the Pale.  I, of course, will view my banishment as only the wrong-sized martyr can: for the sake of the whole, I shall become the scapegoat.

Different dynamics are at play, depending on my surroundings.  Fortunately, I know that most of my immediate reactions are inappropriate, regardless of the situation.  Little frustrations grow into “where’d that come from?” moments, leaving me exposed as the fear-based being I am.  The sad part is that no one looks at my antics and thinks, “what a poor, misunderstood genius”.  They just think, “what an asshole.”

For today: Catch myself.  The more right things done, the less asking for forgiveness. And most times, the right thing to do is nothing.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s