It’s pretty simple:  my heart wants simplicity and routine, while my mind wants chaos and randomness.  The biggest problem is that I tell everyone (myself included) that my mind really, really wants simplicity and routine, when nothing could be further from the truth.  Chaos and seemingly random occurrences are just what the doctor ordered, if his name’s Dr. Al Coholic.

Step 1: we admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results, then isn’t the proactive solution to break the pattern before attempting another “same thing”?  I’ve spent a ton of energy in this program working on my reaction time; trying to trim the seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months and years between the world’s input and my output. What I’d like to do is learn how to effectively stand outside that machine.

One way to get ahead of the curve is through exercise.  This is a tool that I find I should be deploying much more often.  For a highly strung maintainence drinker with trust issues, burning off some of the piss and vinegar even before I know what’s going on is a perfect way to change the chemical reactions happening in my head.  Even though I’ve paid it tons of lip-service over the years going back to my pre-drinking days, I’ve always had a hard time of it when it comes to creating and sticking to any type of exercise regimen.  The old regimen, the one that revolved around liquids, managed to work itself out just fine; the end results were always guaranteed because I didn’t have control over it, and I could let go of whatever for as long as I couldn’t remember.

Listen, I didn’t simply turn everything over to the care and will of alcohol as I understood it; I was smart enough to realize that booze wasn’t exactly a problem-solver.  I was aware the problems remained.  The great thing about alcoholism is that I just didn’t care.

Everything’s going to remain unmanageable as long as I try to manage it.  It’s the oxymoron that’s made a moron out of me than once.  Hey, trust me, I know it’s a sticky wicket.  For a guy that solves most problems with either a hammer or a butter knife, noticing the subtle changes in my emotions and behaviors isn’t something that comes easy.

Today:  Start taking mental notes. Start anticipating. Start not waiting for trouble.

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