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Whenever I feel confined, or restricted, I get really boundary-pushy. Exactly how far can I take something? Not as far as I want? Well, then, I’ll simply constrict into myself and ask for nothing. I’m fine, thanks. No, I don’t need assistance. Even if it take me hours to figure out how to get the new corporate headset working, so be it.

Step 4: made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

It’s the role of the passive patsy; the put-upon loser. I love playing that part, because eventually I get to explode, puking up all my insane hatreds and misconceptions onto a kind-of unsuspecting public. I say “kind-of”, because I believe they are all sort of aware of their responsibility for my behavior. They know they caused it.

That’s the undersized me: defeated, head down. Quiet, quiet, quiet. I try to play it off as low-key, but it’s a slippery slope down on this end. Pretending to be miserable will actually make you miserable.  I mean, it is work, after all. Who says you are supposed to enjoy it? And even though I think something like happiness will never again exist in my office, it’s not nearly as horrible as I’m making it out to be. I’m still off by myself, far from a main aisle. No one can look over my shoulder or sneak up on me. Plus, I’m listening to headphones, so it’s my own little world. It’s enough to get through, and it’s much better than the answer I’d been turning to in the past.

So, for today: I recognize that I’ve been in a bad mood for a few days now. Also recognize that it’s all work-related, and then let go. Nobody else here seems to be sweating it. Take solace in that.

7 thoughts on “shhhhhampoo.

  1. That’s awesome that you can recognize those behaviors and thought patterns! Sometimes the hardest part is just gaining that awareness. since you’ve got that, you can now make steps to improve it! My favorite and also least favorite part of recovery is that new-found recognition.

      • Oh yeah – and he’s equally amazed at how well we know and don’t know ourselves. Too much knowledge isn’t always the best answer, but I guess it beats the alternative…

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      • It certainly does beat the alternative. Change doesn’t happen over night, but it sounds like you’re on the path to it. Sometimes that’s all that really matters.

  2. Work was a painful breeding ground of resentments for me too. Sometimes it felt like the queen’s hatchery in the Alien movies and maybe is what the serenity prayer was written to address. I did end up with 3/50 then 30/5 rule. In 3 days I only remember 50% of whatever; in 30 days only 5. The closet introvert’s approach to “this too shall pass”. Try going out of your way to help someone else. It is what the steps would ask us to do to get outside ourselves. Somebody around us needs our help today.

    • Helping others makes us feel better. Huh. As God as my witness, I never would’ve thought of that (even though it’s the foundation of the Fellowship). Many thanks!

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