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There’s a scene in the movie Say Anything where the Cusack siblings are arguing.

Lloyd Dobler: Why can’t you be in a good mood? How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood once in a while?
Constance: Gee, it’s easy.

I remember sitting in the movie theater thinking, no shit Joan, no shit.

Step Two: came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For as long as I can remember, I never had a choice in how I felt. It was always my surroundings that did the dictating. It was people, places and things. Or it was my own thoughts; often they were just as foreign to me as an exchange student from Kenya. None of these things were my responsibility. The more hopeless things seemed, the greater my self-pity, and the lessening of the bad feelings toward my alcoholism. The long and maddening road of justification.

That’s what alcohol did for me: convinced me that happiness was a waste of time. A make-believe emotion wherein only the stupid partook. I kept things real. Real intoxicated. That’s the only true way to get through this life. Because meeting each day head on with a clear head and heart will only lead to disappointment, as well as a ton of boredom.

Relying on myself led me to this absolute thought: Life is meant to be endured. Do whatever is necessary to get through it.

Not really a rallying cry, is it? Until I got into this program, I never knew how to change my surroundings. Now, thanks to this program, I know that I can’t.

One thought on “permission to quit trying.

  1. Sometimes life can feel like a card game where I can’t control the hand I am dealt, nor can I control how other people play, but I try play my cards as best I can. Sometimes I can win, sometimes not. Many times, I was just lucky to get some good cards and of course, be sober to play them. In the end, I have to let go … everyone knows the rest. Thanks for the good thoughts again today.

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