Anger is my go-to emotion. I wear my anger in many different shades: Resentment. Envy. Judgment. Even when I’m not feeling particularly angry, but something else is bothering me, anger is the emotion that I tend to lead with.
Rumination for the Day: The Mystery Emotion is Fear. Almost Always. Like, 99 out of 100 times.
What’s my particular brand of angry? Am I an emotional bully? One that, once punched in the nose, backs down in a cowering fashion? No, I’m not that version. I rarely attack straight-out. Rather, I’ll tell you a little bit about myself, and my widespread anger at so many nouns will eventually sideswipe something you care about. I’m fearful of rejection, therefore I preemptively bomb any possibility of meaningful interaction.
Present any problem, any anxiousness, and I’ll point to the fear that powers it.
That’s another reason why I love my unhealthy ruts: Fear of the unknown. Fear of change. I’d much rather keep myself trudging, head-down in the rain, before putting myself out there. Among them.
But in order to grow and get better, I need to walk among the normals. I cover myself in businessman scent and pass myself off for someone on their way to work. Which is exactly what I am to the nameless, faceless hoards that pass by me on their own ways.
Today, I shall take comfort in the nothing special.